Mele Kalikimaka
by stephmcx
Summary: Three times it's Bing Crosby playing on the radio. Three different situations, three different people and the emotional impact the song "Mele Kalikimaka" has on them. Or: Steve realizes what he's lost, Danny has an epiphany and Grace misses home.
1. Chapter 1 - Steve

**Afghanistan, 2003**

They finish the job on Christmas Eve and return to base early on Christmas morning. It takes Steve completely by surprise when one of the guys mentions the date—he hadn't given it any thought. But it's not that Christmas has held any importance in his life ever since he left home. He knows that for most guys the holidays are the hardest time of their tours, but Steve hasn't been home for Christmas or spent the holidays with his family—or what's left of it—for 10 years. He hadn't expected it to be any different this year or any time soon. So he just nods in acknowledgement and shrugs it off.

Their convoy passes the checkpoint and makes its way through the camp towards the motor pool. Once the vehicles have stopped, the team disembarks quickly and silently. They've spent all night on the road and have been awake much longer; they are all exhausted and hoping to catch a moment or two of sleep before the inevitable marathon of debriefings starts.

Steve is tired to a point where everything seems too sharp. The sunlight too bright, the wind too cold, the noises around them too loud. Maybe that's why the music that is broadcast over the camp's speaker system seems louder than it should be, too. No, he thinks, that's wrong, there shouldn't be any music playing at all. Then it clicks—it's Christmas songs!

He shakes his head in disbelief, pulls his scarf up a little higher against the wind and picks up his gear. He squints to see if Freddie is ready and when he's right beside Steve, they start walking towards their quarters. On their way Steve can't help but notice that the camp is scattered with improvised Christmas decorations, there are Santa hats and stockings and garlands on every imaginable surface. He briefly wonders who bothers with putting them up, doesn't that make it worse when you're homesick already?

"Look at that," Freddie says and points towards one of the armored vehicles that is parked a little to the side. The thing is set up to imitate a Christmas tree, complete with Christmas ornaments and sugar canes and garlands and Christmas lights. There's even a huge star on top and Steve can't help but laugh, because it's funny and also awfully tasteless at the same time.

The Christmas music seems to be omnipresent, it follows them all the way from the motor pool to the living quarters, along the maze of corridors, even into their room and it's bordering on becoming annoying. Bing Crosby crooning about _dreaming of a White Christmas_ and _Santa Claus coming to town_ couldn't feel more out of place on the moon. It also amplifies the slighty dissociative feeling from the severe lack of sleep that gets harder and harder to ignore.

Steve drops his stuff unceremoniously on the floor inside their room, yawns heartily and wants nothing more than to collapse headlong onto his cot and sleep for the next day or ten. He probably would have, if Freddie hadn't clapped him on the back, hard, and said "Come on, chew time! Let's see if Santa has put something nice on the menu for us!"

By the time they're sitting in the mess hall and Steve has downed his first cup of hot black coffee, he feels a lot better and is actually grateful that Freddie dragged him here. He still doesn't have much of an appetite, but he is hungry and knows he needs the fuel. So he digs into the undefinable mush on his tray that's supposed to be eggs and listens with half an ear to Freddie and Cole exchanging Christmas anecdotes from home. He doesn't have anything to contribute to this particular conversation, so he keeps his head down and hopes that no one will try and ask him to share any stories of his own. It makes him think though, and Steve makes a mental note to find some time later to send an email with Christmas greetings to his Dad and Aunt Deb and Mary.

The noise level in the mess hall is thankfully loud enough to drown out most of the Christmas music, and maybe it's because he just thought of his family that the words don't register immediately. But when he picks them up over the noise he strains his ears and tries to tune out the babble of voices and the clinking of cutlery—it's still Bing Crosby playing, and Steve recognizes the song easily.

_Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say on a bright Hawaiian Christmas Day_

Just two words, long forgotten, that still sound so very familiar, that still hold meaning and that hit him like a sucker punch. Words that conjure images that have been hidden in the back of his mind for years, and all of a sudden, in the middle of a mess hall in freaking Afghanistan, he remembers.

He remembers his childhood home, the fake Christmas tree that his parents always placed next to the stairs and the Christmas cookies that his Mom used to bake. He remembers their traditional family picnic on the beach, his Dad and Uncle Joe wearing Santa hats, his Mom handing out drinks and sun screen and using every free minute to capture the day on her video camera. He remembers standing in the shallow surf with Mary and a bunch of other kids, watching Santa passing by in his canoe that might or might not haven been pulled by dolphins. He remembers long evenings with his family and their friends—_ohana_—with music and a bonfire and—

"Hey, McGarrett, you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost!" An elbow to his side and Freddie's booming voice next to him bring him back to reality harshly. He looks from Freddie to Cole and back, realizing that they must have talked to him, that he had zoned out for a moment.

"I'm fine," Steve says, more gruffly than necessary, and rubs his hands over his face, trying to focus. A part of him doesn't want to let go of the memories just yet. They were good times, he'd had a good childhood, he'd been a lucky kid—until the day it all went to hell.

"Nah, man, he looks like he's been dreaming of his sweetheart," Cole teases and winks at him, but Steve is not in the mood for this kind of banter.

"Been thinking of home," he says and hates how much a stupid Christmas song can get under his skin. He does notice Freddie looking at him with raised eyebrows, but chooses to ignore him.

"I totally get that, man," Cole says, an apologetic tone in his voice. "Hard time to be away from home."

_Haven't been home in 10 years_, Steve wants to tell him, yell at him, because all of a sudden he's sad, and he's angry. The memories have taken him completely by surprise, have opened old wounds that he hadn't known were still hurting. They have made him acutely aware of what he has lost, of what it is that makes it so hard for all the other guys and girls to be away from home at Christmas. And the thing is: they're gonna miss one year and be back home for the next season. Steve isn't so sure he even has a home anymore.

"I'm gonna hit the sack, I'm exhausted," he says instead and pushes his chair back abruptly. He knows it's not Cole's fault, and he shouldn't behave like an ass, but it hurts and he doesn't know how to deal right now.

"Alright, see you later," Freddie says, "sweet dreams." Steve can clearly see the concern on his face now. He is grateful that Freddie knows him so well and doesn't ask.

"Yeah," Cole says, "Merry Christmas, McGarrett!" If he's taken aback by Steve's reactions, he doesn't show it.

"Mele Kalikimaka," Steve says as he grabs his tray and stands. He doesn't wait for an answer and all but flees the mess hall.


	2. Chapter 2 - Danny

**New Jersey, 2015**

It's the week before Christmas and New Jersey is as gloomy and gray as it is expected to be this time of year. Even though it's already late in the morning, it's still not really light and Danny knows it won't be getting any better all day. He hasn't seen a ray of sunshine ever since his plane touched down in Newark four days ago.

It's snowing, and Danny is stuck in traffic on the New Jersey turnpike. He had spent the previous day visiting his sister Bridget and her family, including spending the night and Bridget cooking him a delicious breakfast this morning. Now though, he's drumming his thumbs on the steering wheel of his rental car impatiently. He's been driving over an hour already and should be back at his parents' place by now. Instead he has managed hardly half the way.

Danny watches the big, wet snow flakes fall to the ground where they dissolve immediately, turning into huge heaps of gray slush on the road. He's so bored that he briefly considers calling Steve, but it's the middle of the night at home and while the sole reason of his call would be to annoy Steve, waking him up for nothing would be—

Wait a minute! At home? Since when does he call Hawaii _at home_?

Danny shakes his head at himself and takes a deliberate look outside the windows. There, it's New Jersey, this is his home! He has to admit it doesn't look very appealing today.

For lack of anything better to do, he switches the radio on, expecting Christmas songs and he's not disappointed. He starts humming along absentmindedly, and maybe it's because he's just thought of Hawaii and of Steve that it takes him a minute to recognize the song—it's Bing Crosby playing.

_That's the island greeting that we send to you from the land where palm trees sway_  
_Here we know that Christmas will be green and bright_  
_The sun to shine by day and all the stars at night_

His mind immediately supplies the proper images: The Christmas lights on the palm trees in Steve's backyard that seem so out of place and that still make the place very cozy at night. The not-so-small installation of Santa in a canoe pulled by dolphins that Steve puts up on his beach each year especially for Grace. Last year's Christmas Eve in his living room, with the whole Five-0 ohana and a stolen Christmas tree. The look of disappointment he'd caught in Steve's eyes when he'd realized Danny would be missing their traditional Christmas party this year while in New Jersey.

Danny closes his eyes and lets his forehead thunk onto the steering wheel in exasperation. What the hell is the matter with him?

It's Christmas! He's in New Jersey! He'll be back in Hawaii in time to celebrate Christmas Day with his kids—that's as good as it can get!

Only obviously, for some reason, it isn't.

For years, the holiday season had been the hardest time to be away from home. For years, the holidays had amplified the feeling of missing out, missing home, missing his family. Never had the distance between New Jersey and Hawaii felt larger than at Christmas, never had the differences been more obvious: Palm trees instead of Christmas trees, the beach instead of snow, surf boards instead of sleds. Bright sunshine instead of gloomy weather. Cold beer with Steve instead of hot chocolate with Grace.

And when the hell have his priorities changed without him noticing? Because he could really do with that beer right now, and if someone made him choose where he'd rather be, it would definitely be Steve's backyard and not the jammed up turnpike. He imagines Grace and Charlie playing in the surf, Steve wearing a stupid Santa hat and his goofy smile—

Someone honks and Danny jerks his head back up, becoming aware that traffic has moved on and he hurries to catch up. It feels like pulling himself out of a sunshine-filled dream back into the harsh, gray reality.

For years, he suddenly realizes, he had chased the memory of Christmas as he had known it all his life. As it once had been and as he thought it always should be. He had tried to keep the familiar traditions alive, to stick to how things had always been done in his family and he had stubbornly tried to recreate the things he had lost.

And all the while he hadn't noticed that he had built something completely new, that together with Steve, with Five-0, they have created their own traditions. They are different, they are a bit crazy, but they are their own way of celebrating Christmas. They are a mix of what everyone brought with them and—

Oh!

Oh _no!_

It suddenly dawns on him why Steve had been so disappointed by Danny's travel plans and it makes his heart hurt badly. Because Steve hadn't had a proper Christmas probably since he'd been sixteen. As far as Danny knew, Steve had hardly ever been home to Hawaii in all those years before they'd met, and he had certainly not been home to celebrate Christmas with his cold-hearted father.

So these new Christmas traditions they share, they are the _only_ Christmas traditions Steve has. And Danny had turned his back on him! How could he be so selfish and not see this? He had left Steve alone just to be in New Jersey, he had abandoned him like he doesn't care and the guilty feeling that is creeping up settles in his stomach uncomfortably.

Steve always does everything to make life in Hawaii as pleasant and compelling as possible for Danny—and he always went out of his way to make Christmas in Hawaii more bearable. He even stole a Christmas tree for him! Danny smiles at the memory. As much as he had berated Steve for it, he had actually been flattered by Steve's determination to get him a decent Christmas tree. And instead of showing gratitude, he'd behaved like an ass. Talk about cold-hearted.

Traffic is rolling slowly now, no longer the annoying stop and go, and when he catches the sign for the exit to Newark airport, it's a knee-jerk reaction. It's very unlike him to do something rash like this, but he sets the indicator and changes onto the far right lane. He's sure he can handle his parents' disappointment more easily than Steve's and it feels like the right thing to do. Just imagining Steve's surprise when he will show up to the party is almost worth it.

Danny calls his parents' house once he's en route to the airport, and his Ma picks up after the second ring.

"Danny, hi," she says, surprise clearly audible over the phone. "I was expecting you back home by now. Are you still with Bridget?"

"Hi, Ma," Danny says, amazed as always by her unerring sixth sense. How could she possibly know something was up?

"No, I'm on my way back already. Bridge told me to say hi to you, by the way. The kids, too."

"Thank you, sweetheart. So when do you think you'll be back?"

"That's why I'm calling, there's a change of plans," he says, stifling a groan when he hits the end of another traffic jam. He doesn't want to imagine how crowded the airport will be. "I, uh, I won't stay until Christmas, I'm headed for the airport right now—"

"What? Why? What is the matter?" his Ma interrupts him, her voice a familiar mix of curiosity and concern. "Is it the kids? Is it work?

"Ma, just let me finish, please!" Danny rolls his eyes at her impatience even though he knows he's exactly the same as her. "Nothing's the matter. The kids are fine and work is fine. I just— I gotta— uh—"

Suddenly, for a short moment, he's not so sure anymore if this is a good idea. He doesn't quite know how to explain his reasoning, and if he can't explain it to his mother, what in the world will he tell Steve when he gets there?

"Come on, just tell me," his Ma says, "you know you can tell me anything." As if he still was a kid. Or a lovesick teenager.

He's not lovesick, of course he isn't, but right now he feels a little awkward. Danny rubs a hand over his face as if that can help in his attempt to sort out his thoughts; then he takes a deep breath and hopes his Ma won't take this the wrong way.

"Okay. Okay, please don't be mad," he says cautiously. "I'm flying _home_ because I have realized that my life is in Hawaii now. Most of it. The kids are there of course, but I have a family there, too, you know. And I might need to apologize to Steve. Or something like that."

"But you planned to go back on Christmas Eve, can't it wait until then?"

"No, Ma, it can't and I'm sorry—"

"Wait! Danny!" She interrupts him again. "Are you saying _Steve_ is your family? Are you implying—"

"No! Ma!" Danny says quickly, because this is headed into a dangerous direction. It's forbidden territory, something he hasn't allowed himself to consider, something he hadn't dared think about. Yet. "You know what, now is not the right time. I'll explain it, I promise."

"I cannot say I'm not disappointed, Danny," his Ma says and he hates to do let her down like this. But because she is an amazing mother, she continues, "but you gotta do what you gotta do. I want every detail, you hear me?"

"Thank you!" Danny says with a huge grin and he hopes that she can hear the relief in his voice.

"Take care, honey. I love you. Have a safe flight and say hi to everyone, will you? Give Grace and Charlie a hug and a kiss from Grandma, please."

"I will, I promise. I love you, too."

"Merry Christmas, Danny."

"Mele Kalikimaka, Ma."


End file.
